Monday, December 13, 2004

Thinking Outloud

Isn't this the point of blogging? No different than journalling really. I just got up after lying in bed awake, praying to pass the time and to unload my cares on the Lord. I could no longer sleep, having my mind racing with possible solutions to a miriad of problems. I just had to get up and do something. I actually got up to write a list. Lists always help me, although sometimes my expectations for myself and others are so lofty that I can't possibly meet them and get more frustrated. Perfectionism at its worst.

So I have had Meghan on my mind most heavily. She is 20 and has been on her own now for only about 2 monthes and has just dug herself into a really deep hole. She is so entranced by the world, and has been rejecting our teaching and the Lord for a long time. While she was at home, it seemed that she was still trying to please us, at least on the surface, but now that she is out on her own, she has all of a sudden just followed her every whim. Right now it has been two weeks since she has had a conversation with us at all. The wedding that she a Charlotte were both in allowed us to see her, but was so strained because we saw her for the first time living in the way that she had been hiding for so long. This weekend we have been getting our Christmas tree and putting up all our decorations. This is the first year that Meghan hasn't been here to do it with us. She was usually my right hand gal, excited about helping to get it all up. There is such a hole in our home right now, and it is so painful! I cried when I hung her ornament with her baby picture. Where has that little girl gone? I feel like I don't even know her. I keep handing her back to the Lord. It's all I can do. He knows her better that I. He knows the full truth of her heart. And only He, with his infinite resources, can call her and bring her to Himself. Probably the biggest question in this momma's heart is, if He doesn't right now, what is my relationship to be, my role to be with her, in the mean time? And that is really a mute point right now, since she is not returning any of our phone calls anyway. I need wisdom that only the Lord can give.

The other issue on my mind is homeschooling. We have, up to this point, been pretty late risers, by most people's standards. It has been my goal to start our schooling by 9:00. By this time Louie is gone to work, breakfast is done, the kids should be ready for the day, chores done- personal and their assigned chore of the day. By 3:00 in the afternoon, no matter what their schedule that day, classes and homeschooling here, they just can't concentrate any more. It's impossible to really get any more than a few at a time focused on homework. There just seems to be this buzz of activity - teens coming home from school, neighborhood kids knocking, phone ringing, dinner to think about, sometimes sports practices, etc. Besides, kids need to run around and get some exercise, to move their bodies. So it doesn't seem that until after dinner that I can get them back to any kind of focus again, to do homework, prepare for the next day, work on a project like cleaning their rooms, or doing their laundry. There just isn't enough time in the day! What I wish, is that they would take time in the afternoons for pursuits like pleasure reading, knitting, drawing, practicing piano, building something. By contrast, the buzz just seems really unproductive to me. They just kind of feed on one another's energy. All this is to say that my latest solution, or inspiration has been that we just have to get up earlier and start earlier. I can't seem to generate any more productivity out of the afternoon and evening, so I'll just have to tack more time in at the top of our day. So tomorrow ( technically today) we will get up at 7 AM and see how an extra hour can help. If that is not enough, another half an hour until I am satisfied. Truely, I think that 7 will not be early enough, but its all I am willing to ask at this point. Less drastic for every one at one time. We are such hibernaters in the winter!

Well, if I am to get up earlier than usual, and in just 4 hours, I had better climb back in bed and get some more sleep.
Good morning? We'll see.


melissa said...

Oh Wendy...I so relate to your post. I have a niece who's 21 and sounds so much like your daughter. She moved out of my brother's house about a month ago and is also stretching in ways that are opposite to what she's been taught.

And with the read my mind. This semester has been the most difficult for me yet. I feel so unmotivated and the kids (mostly the younger ones) have to be kick-started to do what they know to do.

Maybe we pray for one another and lean, you think?

Take care.

Gina said...

I'm sorry to hear of your pain--and I fear something like this for my own kids. Did you notice anything that can help me for my future with them?